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ELK?                                                               

                                                                  Two friends are drinking in a bar.

 

One says to the other,"Did you know that Elk have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
 
"Aw crap," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW."

 

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Rules for Kickin' Ass  -  Rules for the Non-Military
 
 Dear Civilians, 'We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. 

 For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:

 1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem - kick their ass.
 
 2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest - kick their ass.
 
 3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.
 
 4. If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling Others that you used to be 'Special Forces'. Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old, now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.
 
 5. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them, 'Do you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).
 
 6. If you witness someone calling the Coast Guard 'non-military', inform them of their mistake - and kick their ass.
 
 7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking.
 
 9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore would kick your ass!
 
 10. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), 'Jarhead' (*Marines*), 'Grunt' (*Army*), 'Squid' (*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers'(*Coast Guard*), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your ass kicked.
 
 11. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our Country would get it's ass kicked.
 
 12. It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press.
 It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.
 It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.
 It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the     

 protester to burn the flag.
 AND ONE MORE:
 
  WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!  IN GOD WE TRUST

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Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good  worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

 

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

  

"Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

 

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

 

''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the military. What did they say if you came in late there?"

''They said, "Good morning Admiral. Can I get your coffee, sir?'''

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Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

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 Looks like the idea of an ice cream truck for our troops in Iraq didn't work out.

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Bumper-Stickers Seen On Military Bases.

"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

" U.S. Marines - Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club."

" U.S. Air Force - Travel Agents To Allah"

"Stop Global Whining"

"When  In Doubt, Empty The Magazine"

Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don't Testify.

"The U.S.ARMY" - When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"

"Death Smiles At Everyone - Marines Smile Back"

"Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!"

"What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist?  A Little Recoil"

 "U.S.ARMY" - Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775"

"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"

"Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon"

"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden - It's Our Job To Arrange The Meeting"

"Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl"

"One Shot, Twelve Kills - U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support "

"My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College"

"Machine Gunners - Accuracy By Volume"

"A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy - Blessed Be The Peacemakers"

"If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher..  If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran"

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NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Air Force Chief Master Sergeant found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief Master Seargeant and asked, 
'Excuse me, Chief, but you seem to be a very Serious man. Is something bothering you?' 
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.' 
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ''It looks like you have seen a lot of action?'' 
''Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.' 
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 
‘You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.' 
The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner. 
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?' ' 
'1955,' he replied. 
'Well, there you are. No w onder you're so serious. You really need To chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! 
She took his hand and led him to a private room where 
she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. 
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest 
and Said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.' 
The Chief Master Sergeant said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'              

(Gotta love military time) 

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Is sex work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel
decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it
was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his
state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of
making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing
it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.

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The  Aisle Seat

 

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. . Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'  'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

 

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it… While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight…

 

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors.... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

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A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.  As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say  'Supersex.'   She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally  answered, "I'll take the soup".

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SENIOR DRIVING    

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.   Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Ken, I just   heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 59.   Please be careful!'  

'Heck,' said Ken, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!' 

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SENIOR DRIVING  2  

Two elderly men were out driving in a large pickup.  As they were cruising along, they came to an   intersection. The traffic light was red, but they just went on through. The man in the passenger seat thought to himself 'I must be losing it. I could   have sworn we just went through a red light.'   After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The man in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that he was losing it. He was getting nervous.     At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on   through. So, he turned to the other man and said, 'Ken, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us   both!'  Ken turned to him and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

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Say what?

Three old guys are out walking. 
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' 
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer...'

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Say again?

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

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Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier-

 New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

 
 I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got
the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to
fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a
military unit until you're at least 35.

  

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10
seconds.  Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day,
leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on
the enemy.

  

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is

a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts!  I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry. We

are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves

it will make us feel better and shut us up for a  while.

 

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get  up before 10 a.m. Old guys
always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm
tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up
killing some fanatical SOB....
  

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put
them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real stretch.

 

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.  We're used to getting screamed

and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation

for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house,

away from the screaming and yelling.

 

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and

didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do

any pushups after completing basic training.

 
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone

outrun a bullet.

 

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.. He's still learning to shave, to start

up a conversation with a pretty girl.  He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has

a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

 

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more
about life before sending them off into harm's way.

 

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last
thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old
farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years
are already behind them.

 

How about recruiting Women over 50 .....with PMS !!! You think Men have
attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my Lord!!!  If nothing else, put them on border

patrol.....we  will have it secured the first night!

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