AGE RAGE
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them??
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction..
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you'll have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A: Yes.. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt "
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over 60-year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant. ,
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband
was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!" he snorted.
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
Is sex work?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel
decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it
was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his
state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of
making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing
it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.
The Aisle Seat
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. . Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it… While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight…
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors.... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup".
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD THAT:
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!!
The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Ken, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 59. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Ken, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
SENIOR DRIVING 2
Two elderly men were out driving in a large pickup. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The traffic light was red, but they just went on through. The man in the passenger seat thought to himself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The man in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that he was losing it. He was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, he turned to the other man and said, 'Ken, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!' Ken turned to him and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'
Say what?
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer...'
Say again?
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
F16 vs C130
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly
went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot
asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130
pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked
to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a
cinnamon roll.'
Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier-
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got
the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to
fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a
military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10
seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day,
leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on
the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is
a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry. We
are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves
it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys
always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm
tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up
killing some fanatical SOB....
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put
them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real stretch.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed
and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation
for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house,
away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and
didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do
any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone
outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.. He's still learning to shave, to start
up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has
a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more
about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last
thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old
farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years
are already behind them.
How about recruiting Women over 50 .....with PMS !!! You think Men have
attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my Lord!!! If nothing else, put them on border
patrol.....we will have it secured the first night!
Here are the
first two
nominees.
RAMBO KENBO
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You gotta love the Marines
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.
This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.
Conversation heard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along.
The conversation went like this...
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence.)
The Army and the Air Force Try to Work Together
There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,....."Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"
Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ..... "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,...... "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"
The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, ...... "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"
So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"
The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"
The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
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